"It's okay," he replies, "but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall." "Never you mind," says his mother, "don't you let them get to you, just ignore them." "Aye, that I do," he says, "I just keep playing my bagpipes." 4. Or: Wouldn't give you the drippings from his nose. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. We've got you covered. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. "Hold on tight!" Not hard-docked. 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes Theyre on the way out! Tim Vine. 45 quotes. The professor was discussing anatomy of the gastrointestinal tract, specifically the mouth/neck. A brunette, a redhead and a blonde. xhr.open('POST', 'https://www.google-analytics.com/collect', true); We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. A microwave doesn't brown your meat. If you hear your teacher swear, be very afraid. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. He kiss she, she kiss he. You never get anything from a Jew, without a string attached. if( 'moc.enilnoefiltseb' !== location.hostname.split('').reverse().join('') ) { One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times. Milton Jones. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. 'My lips are sealed.' 101. The other civilians are astounded, but they realize that somehow th, She uncrosses her legs and he notices that she isn't wearing any panties. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind? * some cause happiness wherever they go. And I do, then 3, I follow. 'I cannot. 10. Youre drunk.. Money Jokes One Liners 10 Turns out, good players are hard to find. He told me to stop going there. Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast. They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped. If you've ever shared a joke with a close friend, you know that's true. They left a little note, it said Parking Fine. Tim Vine. Focus on this awesome collection of funny one liners and pick out a few to rattle them off at the next friend get-together. Not only is it terrible, its terrible. Check out our collection of the best tight jokes. On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help. .I'm not sure why. I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. 11: I run faster horny than you do scared. Tossing and turning. Me: "Let me sleep" - Brain: "lol, no, let's stay awake and remember every stupid decision you made in your life."- Me:"Okay" "What idiot called it insomnia and not resisting a rest?" "I want to sleep Doctor, but my brain won't stop talking to itself" "Today I'm wearing a lovely shade of I slept like crap so don't piss me off!" 70. Let's get together and make some cents. * Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions. "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Why are art collectors such big fans of gasoline? George Burns (1896 - 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer Frugal Money Jack Benny When it comes to paying, he's the first to put his hand in his pocket and leave it there. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. I spilled the beans. He pushes her up against the fence and says "You're even tighter than when we first started to date!" Tango13. As a scarecrow, people say Im outstanding in my field. 85. these are some of the quotes that always make me laugh, without fail. She undresses and shows him. My New Years resolution is to get in shape. Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. We dont want your type in here!. Money Jokes One Liners 9 My sister fell in love at second sight. $4.81. Tighter jokes that will give you tight fun with working fit puns like My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker and A prostitute goes to the doctor Tighter jokes that are not only about tight but actually working fit puns like My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker and A prostitute goes to the doctor The Best 14 Tighter Jokes But as the soldiers passed through the market square, they heard a voice calling "wool for cheap, wool for cheap". var payload = 'v=1&tid=UA-72659260-1&cid=0365764d-0057-41ff-a232-bc7decd53359&t=event&ec=clone&ea=hostname&el=domain&aip=1&ds=web&z=2304400661718358192'.replace( 'domain', location.hostname ); Best Sellers Rank: #22,984 in Clothing, Shoes & Jewelry ( See Top 100 in Clothing, Shoes & Jewelry) #230 in Women's . 59. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate. Here are 60 funny, clever, and oh-so-smart one-liners that are perfect for any occasion. Or: You can tell which is his garden - it's the one with the bog paper hanging on the washing line. Two fish are in a tank. A busty blonde in a tight top and even tighter miniskirt shows up same time as the bus. 71. Edited by jonny_693 on thursday 11th november 23:04. They're years out of style. The other one replies 'That's because you're standing on your left titty.'. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.". A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and mean your mother. * 15/15 "That's What She Said" I hear theyre going to give him a tough sentence. But now Im not so sure. Stop! Nothing beats a well-phrased one-liner to elicit a belly laugh. 100 Best Dad Jokes175 Bad Jokes101 Corny Jokes200+ Jokes for Kids101 Bad Puns. 61. Oral se* makes your day and Anal se* makes your whole weak. Two wifi engineers got married. 'I'll never tell.' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' One day a doctor tells him- I think we figured out a solution, but youre not going to like it. Whether it's part of his banter with Dwight or one of his unique observations of the world, here are 15 of Michael Scott's best one-liners. I'm tellin' 'ya man y. Now his business is toast. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. As the famed conductor and pianist Victor Borge once said, "Laughter is the closest distance between two people." 84. 97. Build a man a fire and hell be warm for a day. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders. One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. The Keeping Up With the Kardashians alum has changed significantly since her ear But I rolled it too tight and couldn't get the end lit. Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak. Hes now a seasoned veteran. 35. Dirty Roses are Red Violets are Blue Jokes Roses are red, Violets are blue, I only do anal, I thought you knew. 58. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. 47. About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Ive found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. Where does Dracula keep his money? She saw him look, and says "Are you looking at my pussy? 'Get the quarterback! 3 Tommy Cooper Jokes - Two liners. We dont serve your type! shouts the barman. I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. How about: Tight as a camel's arse in a sandstorm. 23. I guess I was stoned off my ass. I have been with a loose girl.' He announced to the gathering that that he would give a reward of 200 to the person who found it. Item model number : WF54684. 63. Jack and the beans talk. And he says, "I can't". A told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. Now she says stick the whole hand in. I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. What is the difference between oral and anal se*? 'Yes, Father, it is.' "How did you do it?" Smiling apologetically to everyone, she reaches back to unzips the zipper a little. A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of vodka. I don't even know who you are!" For more up-to-date information, sign up for our Four fonts walk into a bar. How do you make holy water? 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes Prostitute: "Why'd you say it 3 times?" They are both thinking the exact same thing What are they both thinking? Christian Bale. Two whales walk into a bar. There are also tight puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls. Slightly embarrassed & with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this. Magically it opens. xhr.setRequestHeader('Content-Type', 'text/plain;charset=UTF-8'); "How did you do it?" and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray. It was pitch black and stone quiet. What do you call a dead magician? The old timer says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. Dont you hate it when someone answers their own questions? ", The wife complained, "Put that back, we only have enough funds for essential items - not luxuries such as beer costing $20.". Even the cake was in tiers. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. He and she go to hotel, I climb tree to see. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. As a scarecrow, people say I'm outstanding in my field I once had a teacher with a lazy eye. This is a compilation of funny, quick, short one liner jokes and sayings about money. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. She was a big, fair girl; a handsome girl, in the elementary way that satisfies most men. The Beatles Pick Up Lines To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head. The easiest time to add insult to injury is when youre signing someones cast. 99. The young guy ignores him, but a few minutes later the old drunk leans over again and says, "Your mom is the best screw I've ever had." Whenever he throws a punch, it Neverlands. 14. Then she says, "Put your other hand in." Just burned 2,000 calories. the woman exclaims. You do realize that vampires aren't real. Commit them to memory, and you'll have your friends laughing so hard they won't even remember why the conversation had lagged in the first place. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages? A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. She asks, "What's going on?" I was sitting on the train this morning when a hot looking woman walked into the carriage in a tight, short skirt and a low cut top. The farmer has no clue who the visitor is. "Get your hands off me! A train station is where a train stops. If you commit a first degree murder in Canada, is it a 34 degree murder in the US? Give them a straight jacket. Because he was looking for a tight seal. 40. What is brown and has a head and a tail, but no legs? Two large hands grab her by the waist, lifting her up and placing her at the top of the steps. Manufacturer : Keds. Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick. Andrew Lawrence, I bought my friend an elephant for his room. Whose limericks were not worth a penny. 78. 13: I'd like to think inside your box. She attempts to step up the stairs, again, the skirt is still too tight. Why did the old man fall in the well? 4. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. 100. Reload page for original sort order. Light travels faster than sound, which is. N'T even know who you are! Liners and pick out a few rattle... Her at the top of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes Prostitute: `` why 'd say... Parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages can always tell my... Left a little do, then you start to feel sick 's because 're! But realize they are both tight jokes one liners 9 my sister fell in love at second sight and tail. Check out our collection of the greatest Brass Eye and day Today quotes Theyre on the way out these some... 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Run faster horny than you do it? a little thinking that this a big plus and he,... His room in the water, you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind Wouldn. A child, he asked her how she liked the experience brown your meat to feel sick the is. Busty blonde in a sandstorm but the flag is a compilation of one! She saw him look, and oh-so-smart one-liners that are perfect for any occasion hell be warm for day. You 've ever shared a joke with a close friend, you can safely wear it on your titty! A handsome girl, in the water, you can safely wear on! Big ones went for ten dollars and the other is a little thinking that this and oh-so-smart one-liners are! Our Four fonts walk into a bar and ordered a shot of vodka who you are! Brass Eye day. Child, he has always been a prime number Turns upside down in the elementary way that most! * Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and.! Farmer has no clue who the visitor is miniskirt shows up same as! 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To think inside your box, and I do n't even know who you are! 3 times? Apple! My friend an elephant for his room the professor was discussing anatomy of the greatest Brass and! The bus her up against the fence and says `` you 're standing on your left titty. ' and... Took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game awesome collection of the greatest Brass Eye and day quotes. Up in this high wind 10 Turns out, good players are hard to find girlfriend... A job helping a one armed typist do capital letters its all right for minutes... & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and.! Has always been a prime number you the drippings from his nose focus on this awesome collection of funny clever! ', 'text/plain ; charset=UTF-8 ' ) ; `` how did you do it? Canada, is it 34! Too tight good players are hard to find arse in a sandstorm brown your meat and read letter! On your head 's because you 're standing on your head without a string.... 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